Being Fearlessly You

A Blog Inspired by Key Note Speaker: Jessica Cary of The Hook Nook, OML 2018
Part 1 of 3

  This is a three part series inspired by my experience at OML 2018 (Our Maker Life).  A maker movement, and annual meet up of makers, primarily fiber artists. My inspiration came from the people around me.  It was a beautiful and overwhelming experience all in one. I am so grateful to everyone that made this event and attended and I can’t wait for 2019!  
 Being a thicc, tattooed, neon haired girl that’s slightly older than those in my community continually sat in the back of my  mind saying, “You are different” therefore, “You do not belong”. I’ve gone through seasons of conforming my work where I feel like a copycat and seasons of being discouraged (sadly mostly this year, which I’ll get into in the third part of this series) seasons of being disconnected and not feeling like my work is my own, all while hiding who i am(what I look like, how I feel) from the world and not thinking I’m enough.
 Then I step into OML 2018 at the Low Res Studio in Chicago and my life is transformed, I’m so emotional and grateful that I could hardly breathe my way thought it, let alone have a bunch of conversations with people.  SHOUT OUT TO THOSE FRIENDS I DID MAKE THOUGH, I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY WHETHER WE TALKED IN PERSON OR CONNECTED AFTER THE EVENT!
 So, in a nutshell I am here to share and to pass on Jessica’s from the Hook Nook’s message that if you feel or have felt the way I do, the world is so much brighter on the other side of darkness friends and when she spoke about this, I think the entire room was in tears.
 Why have I let demons, abusers and naysayers from my past define my current truth?  WHat I realized is, this is in my own hands and it’s so precious. I try to take care of myself and my life (i.e. cats and boyfriend) the best way I can and run my business with so much passion, I’m constantly thinking of it (working on breaks people).  I put myself through school, have a published thesis from my master’s degree, so I’m not “dumb” like I may believe- I am capable, I am creative, I am worthy.
 I don’t have the easiest past, and actually the day before OML was my four year anniversary of my brother’s suicide.  I thought of backing out of this event time after time thinking I wouldn’t fit in, but thankfully I had the courage to go and was exactly what I needed to bring happy memories into this time of year.  For that alone I am extremely thankful. (Shout out to Darian and Shannon for letting me stay at your air b&b, I'll get to you gals in the third installment of this series!)
 Thank you to every single person that organized, sponsored, spoke, volunteered, and attended this event- you are a true inspiration.  In the first part of this reflective series I want to thank Jessica from the bottom of my heart for reminding me “I am who I am meant to be”.  That, that is special and no one else is like me. My work doesn’t need to be different, it’ll evolve(saying that to myself over and over because I just got the chills).  My weight or looks that I’ve struggled with for my life doesn’t need to change out of insecurity and I don’t need to find other ways of employment, I am great just doing me and need to enjoy and celebrate that fact.
 My life challenges don’t define me, but how I persevere and show others how they can do the same, does.  Realizing you have a space in this world is game changing. I do take up beautiful space and I’m not a burden like I’ve grown up thinking.  This isn’t where my story ends, but where it begins and I’m taking huge leaps to not live in that headspace any longer. Like Jessica said it’s about “Knowing there’s more and it’s up to me(you) to make it happen” is a powerful thought.  When you grow up in a less than ideal home you believe you aren’t worthy, but we all are!
 In the next post I will talk about some of my desires, plans and steps I’ll take to make my dreams become a reality.  Truthfully I really don’t have these things figured out, but i will continue to THINK BIG!!! And so should too you cutie (insert emoji kiss here).
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(I tend to have overwhelming anxiety and couldn’t bring my meds to Florida.  The rebound from this instance was so quick though, it gave me true belief in my path for myself and my business.  I apologize if this seems disjointed from the first section but I felt the need to share my entire “truth”).
 The first part of my blog entry was a breakthrough phase, the encouragement that deeply touched me and this is the other side of the coin.  When reality sets in and real life begins again. I often feel like this existence of extremes, please leave me a comment if you ever feel the same!
 This often happens after a positive span of time in life, it’s like the demons creep in and tell me it was all a fairy tale, that I dreamed it up.  Honestly I can’t remember the last time I was this inspired and happy and today(exactly a week later) I feel like everything came crumbling down around me.  Am I really sharing this? Is what I’m doing really matters? Are people going to even engage now that the excitement of the event is over?
So, I’m trying to tell myself truths, and this is what I have so far…
-I’ve gotten through so much in life, so I know I can try my hardest to replace these breakdowns with positive thoughts and energy. -My abusive and lonesome childhood doesn’t define me. -My past eating disorders or current weight don’t define me. -The lost of so many loved ones, including my father and brother doesn’t define me.  But this is one I’m determined to make something out of by honoring them. -Nay sayers or critiques don’t define me, including those that diminish my path. -These emotional overloads are ok, and one day these will be a strength of mine (and aren’t I already turning it around by sharing?!) -I have great support which will only continue to grow.
 It’s time to wipe all of those and more false beliefs out of my system, stop believing in these dark ideals that sneak up on me, and penetrate my brain trying to convince me they are real.  I am facing my past, and how it affects my future. I may not have it all figured out but I am giving an effort.
 This is where expressing myself really comes in, and it’s one of the main things I’ve been reflecting on the last week or so.  Whether it is through my appearance with crazy hair and tattoos, or performing, or dreaming big with my fiber business. I feel like I can now explore all of these sides of myself that make me the healthiest and most balanced version of myself.
 At my core I’m such a serious, sensitive and emotional creature(my tarot cards always say I’m enlightened) and the truth is I’m not really comfortable around people until I realize there is no threat and I can loosen up.  I’m hard on myself for how I acted at OML and that’s another story, but one thing I know is I don’t want to live with regrets so I’ve turned that into an opportunity next year(because there is no question about me going) and to be grateful for the inspiration and experiences I had.  It’s hard when you feel like you didn’t take full advantage of the opportunity but to those that were shy like me- there's next year babes!
 As I finish up this ending rant, I am reminded that my journey is my own and for that it is special.  I also climbed myself out of the darkness fairly quickly after this breakdown and that says a lot for me.   I am special and I am worthy-AND SO ARE YOU!

Thank you again to ALL of those involved in OML, until the next post friends:)
 

Crocheting by the Pool
This photo took so much courage for me to post, I love it so much and I'm proud I was brave to put just who I am out there to the world!

From Jessica's Latest blog...
I think most, if not all where feeling the emotions during her talk!  I was so choked up and to look around the room and see everyone drying their eyes was beautiful.

From Jessica's Blog...
I was so nervous to meet these huge makers and they made it so much fun! Even though I wasn't able to fully open up I will treasure this photo forever!

From Jessica's Blog...
So inspiring to be, and do you!  I am so guilty of thinking I can't have anything I make or don't have time.  We all have time to treat ourselves and feel special so don't forget that!

The Photo I posted from Chicago!
This felt crazy to post but it was the creative idea I had and I'm so crazy I took the chance.  This really feels like me and inspired so much photography I explored during my Florida vacation!

My Notes From Jessica's Talk
Before I started choking up and could actually write
(yeah you know the notes are pink color coded to match her hair!)

For Reference, Jessica's blog is:

http://www.thehooknooklife.com/blog